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ajqtrz
Chef - loquacious Old Dog
Ever been wrong? Really?! Me too. Lots of times and in a lot of ways. But as I get older I'm a bit less wrong and in fewer ways. And since I think we all like to be right, here's some observations about the importance of a good apology and how to make one so that, I hope, you are right more often. Where I'm wrong on some point, I apologize in advance. LOL
First, a true apology is about your wrongness. It's not about how the other guy was also wrong. It isn't about balancing the scales so he's as wrong or more wrong than you, its totally and completely about you and what you did or said that as wrong.
Second, a true apology is like wisdom. As Jesus of Nazareth said, "wisdom is know by it's offspring," and a good apology is only seen by how it changes your future behavior. If you slap a person in anger and then realize that violence was uncalled for, you might apologize. But if the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, continue to slap others, the apology is pretty lame. Real apologies drive us to change exactly because they put us face to face with a part of ourselves we want to change and we admit we need to change.
Third, the motive of a good apology is never to avoid the repercussions. If it's that it's not an apology but an attempt to placate. It's focused upon reducing the cost of being wrong and not on the correction of whatever caused that wrongness. If you are wrong reasonable punishment should be meekly accepted. Trying to wiggle out of it, reduce it (when it is just), or otherwise minimize it is saying two things: the punishment doesn't fit the crime, (the other guy is wrong -- see number 1 above) and I am more concerned with the punishment than I am about having been wrong (which means you don't really care to change -- see number 2 above).
Fourth, an apology may offer some suggestion of reason, but should never suggest the reason is a excuse. We all do things for reasons and if we follow the chain of causality back far enough it leaves the bounds of personal responsibility and gets transformed into an excuse -- "the devil made me do it". If a thing is excused then punishment is inappropriate. And if you are punished when you had an excused it's just too easy to resent being punished. Eighty percent of prison inmates will say they were innocent of the crime, usually because they beileve their lawyers who have come up with a story that offers some excuse for their clients behavior in an attempt to get the guy off. Most inmates come to believe the story their lawyers present, even if the jury doesn't. In other words, apologies that try to make excuses usually end up being very unapologetic.
Fifth, a good apology is sincere, to the point, and precise. It is not long winded, full of qualifications, "if's and's or but's", exactly because it says, "I screwed up when I said....."
In addition, above all it is honest. Never apologize for what you don't believe you did (which would be yet another wrong against the other guy since it would be a lie), but don't be afraid to admit that you did or said it. Distinguish between mistakes (misspeaks and missunderstandings) and actual malice, but be honest if you meant it in malice and weren't misspeaking when you said it. Then apologize for the malice as well as the actions and/or words. Mistakes in speaking are usually inadvertent and because we didn't really consider the full range of possible interpretations when we wrote it. Most of them occur when we just "shoot from the hip." That's just part of speaking and to be expected. But sometimes we speak in malice and later regret that our speaking has caused us some trouble (see above) and instead of apologizing for speaking in malice we pretend it was an "accident." Pretending your error was less than it was is just committing another error against the person and an apology based upon ducking the truth will not change anything.
So, the goal of an apology is to change yourself so you harm others less. It's about you and how you were wrong, and it's focused on admitting the harm you did others, not avoiding the punishment rightfully deserved.
There are other things, no doubt, that can be said. I'll leave it to others to suggest them.
AJ
First, a true apology is about your wrongness. It's not about how the other guy was also wrong. It isn't about balancing the scales so he's as wrong or more wrong than you, its totally and completely about you and what you did or said that as wrong.
Second, a true apology is like wisdom. As Jesus of Nazareth said, "wisdom is know by it's offspring," and a good apology is only seen by how it changes your future behavior. If you slap a person in anger and then realize that violence was uncalled for, you might apologize. But if the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, continue to slap others, the apology is pretty lame. Real apologies drive us to change exactly because they put us face to face with a part of ourselves we want to change and we admit we need to change.
Third, the motive of a good apology is never to avoid the repercussions. If it's that it's not an apology but an attempt to placate. It's focused upon reducing the cost of being wrong and not on the correction of whatever caused that wrongness. If you are wrong reasonable punishment should be meekly accepted. Trying to wiggle out of it, reduce it (when it is just), or otherwise minimize it is saying two things: the punishment doesn't fit the crime, (the other guy is wrong -- see number 1 above) and I am more concerned with the punishment than I am about having been wrong (which means you don't really care to change -- see number 2 above).
Fourth, an apology may offer some suggestion of reason, but should never suggest the reason is a excuse. We all do things for reasons and if we follow the chain of causality back far enough it leaves the bounds of personal responsibility and gets transformed into an excuse -- "the devil made me do it". If a thing is excused then punishment is inappropriate. And if you are punished when you had an excused it's just too easy to resent being punished. Eighty percent of prison inmates will say they were innocent of the crime, usually because they beileve their lawyers who have come up with a story that offers some excuse for their clients behavior in an attempt to get the guy off. Most inmates come to believe the story their lawyers present, even if the jury doesn't. In other words, apologies that try to make excuses usually end up being very unapologetic.
Fifth, a good apology is sincere, to the point, and precise. It is not long winded, full of qualifications, "if's and's or but's", exactly because it says, "I screwed up when I said....."
In addition, above all it is honest. Never apologize for what you don't believe you did (which would be yet another wrong against the other guy since it would be a lie), but don't be afraid to admit that you did or said it. Distinguish between mistakes (misspeaks and missunderstandings) and actual malice, but be honest if you meant it in malice and weren't misspeaking when you said it. Then apologize for the malice as well as the actions and/or words. Mistakes in speaking are usually inadvertent and because we didn't really consider the full range of possible interpretations when we wrote it. Most of them occur when we just "shoot from the hip." That's just part of speaking and to be expected. But sometimes we speak in malice and later regret that our speaking has caused us some trouble (see above) and instead of apologizing for speaking in malice we pretend it was an "accident." Pretending your error was less than it was is just committing another error against the person and an apology based upon ducking the truth will not change anything.
So, the goal of an apology is to change yourself so you harm others less. It's about you and how you were wrong, and it's focused on admitting the harm you did others, not avoiding the punishment rightfully deserved.
There are other things, no doubt, that can be said. I'll leave it to others to suggest them.
AJ
