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ajqtrz
Chef - loquacious Old Dog
I’m of the opinion that drama should be restricted to a good play or movie. Drama in real life, or "rea"l online life, is not fun. Here are some thoughts on how to avoid and resolve drama.
I've written before on the steps to take if you have a conflict with another player. They basically boil down to: don't discuss it publicly (in chat or in fellowship wide messages); and: once you've tried too politely and calmly discuss it with the other party and are not satisfied with the results, privately take it up with leadership. They will decide if it needs further airing among leaders or publicly. That's their job.
Those are the practical steps. Here are some more philosophical things you can do to reduce the conflict and persuade the other person to change their ways, if they need to do so.
1) Ask yourself: "Is it something I can't ignore because it's damaging to me and/or the fellowship?" Many things are irritating, but most irritations are matters of your style versus theirs. This message itself may appear to some as a bit "over the top" and "unneeded," even "too negative." But it's my style. Not everybody likes it, but I can accept that. I also know that everybody pretty much puts up with me even when I am a bit ham-fisted. If it's just a matter of style you can usually 'ignore' the person and their foibles and when you can’t you may just need to put up with it.
2) When contacting the person regarding their offense, do so calmly. If you are ticked off do not blast away as usually doing so does two things: 1) makes the person defensive -- which means their ears close up and their fist get raised in self-defense, (metaphorically speaking, one hopes). So, calm down before you send the opening complaint.
3) Edit what you write. Even the best writers make mistakes. Look at what you are saying and simply ask how you would respond if somebody wrote that to you. Did you use derogatory language? Calling somebody an idiot or implying they are being selfish is attacking them personally. What do you care if they are selfish or they are an idiot so long as you get them to stop doing whatever it is that they were doing? The goal is not to reform the character or shame them, but to get them to change their behavior. If you can’t determine how the message you are sending will be received, send it to somebody else and have them help out.
4) Listen to their response. Remember, in most cases your complaint will reach them unexpectedly. They will be surprised and that in itself will make them somewhat self-defensive. One of the reasons the the “compliment sandwich” -- where you put the complaint between two compliments like the meat in a sandwich – one of the reason it works is that it changes the dynamic of the emotional response of the receiver. And give them some slack when they respond and recognize they may not be following these guidelines like you are doing. So be quick to forgive and you will be a lot closer to your goal.
5) Say “I’m sorry” and mean it. You will make mistakes. You will say things you probably shouldn’t have said, or should have put more diplomatically. Set the right tone by acknowledging them early and, if need be, often. There is no civil discussion possible when at least one side can’t admit a mistake. What usually happens is the one who refuses to admit the mistake turns the conversation into an argument where those who know it to be a mistake make the mistake and the lack of ability to admit it, the focus of the conversation. You aren’t there to prove your righteousness, you are there to get the other person to change their behavior.
6) A battle is not always the war. You don’t have to win every point to convince the person. So if they have a good point, acknowledge it! Too many times we get to the point where we think we have to win every point or we have lost the war. Give ground where ground should be given. Eventually one of three things may happen if you both honestly acknowledge where each has a good point: 1) you will build trust between you and your ‘opponent’; 2) one of you will slowly or quickly be convinced of the others’ point of view; or 3) even if you don’t resolve the issue, you will at least understand their point of view and be less critical of them for holding it.
7) Give yourself (and them) time. Angry responses set up long term enemies. Slow and thoughtful ones often make friends out of enemies. Take a big breath before you respond to their reply.
8) Get help. There are many in your fellowship who you can trust. Ask one of them what they think. Send them your original complaint, the response, etc. Keep it private. But sometimes you need another set of eyes to find the details you are missing. In Chinese society, or at least the parts of which I’ve been exposed, they have a saying about “big eyes” and “little eyes.” The “big eyed” person sees the wider perspective while the “little eyed” person can spot the details. Both are often needed to solve problems and usually you are one or the other and thus, lacking the second set of eyes.
9) Remember you aren’t right about everything. Once you have exchanged a couple of messages with the person, even with the help of leadership, the problem may still persist. Two things about that: First, if you’ve not convinced the person to change in a couple messages it’s unlikely you will do so…though you may sense progress and it may be worth continuing if you do. If you think the situation calls for it, start a “formal” complaint with your leadership. Your “helper” may, in fact, be the one to do this. Whatever you do, be specific as to the behavior, do not attack the person’s motivations, attitude, or personal hygiene as that’s not the issue. Lay it out calmly and then wait. Leadership is not perfect and they may get it wrong, but the chances of them getting it wrong are usually less than the chances of you being wrong. So, if they disagree with you, accept it and carry on. Usually leadership has more experience and even if you can’t see their reasoning, the fact that they did put some effort into resolving the situation means that they are more likely right than wrong.
10) Get out of Dodge. Ultimately, if the behavior of which you are complaining is a detriment to the fellowship, it will likely become more so than less so over time. Some poisons are fast, some slow, but poison is poison. You gave it your best shot, you got involved and you failed to convince the “offender” or leadership of your position, or that your position was worth forcing a change. The rational thing to do in a fellowship which is poisoned, is to leave. Get out of Dodge. But when you go, do not add to the conflict by angry and dramatic missives posted to everybody. After all, you aren’t mad at EVERYBODY in the fellowship, are you? (In which case you probably should have left a long time ago). So remember, some of those people you may run into later on, next week, next year or whatever. Maybe you don’t need friends, but I’ve always felt you should try not to burn friendship bridges unnecessarily. So leave relatively quietly. A nice note of thanks to all for what they HAVE done for you (rather than what they HAVEN’T), and perhaps a private message to the leader(s) explaining why you are leaving (though they probably already know), might be nice IF you can do it calmly AND without personal animosity. Remember, in the long run, you still could be wrong about the whole thing.
Well, that’s it for me. Just some practical thoughts about avoiding drama.
AJ
I've written before on the steps to take if you have a conflict with another player. They basically boil down to: don't discuss it publicly (in chat or in fellowship wide messages); and: once you've tried too politely and calmly discuss it with the other party and are not satisfied with the results, privately take it up with leadership. They will decide if it needs further airing among leaders or publicly. That's their job.
Those are the practical steps. Here are some more philosophical things you can do to reduce the conflict and persuade the other person to change their ways, if they need to do so.
1) Ask yourself: "Is it something I can't ignore because it's damaging to me and/or the fellowship?" Many things are irritating, but most irritations are matters of your style versus theirs. This message itself may appear to some as a bit "over the top" and "unneeded," even "too negative." But it's my style. Not everybody likes it, but I can accept that. I also know that everybody pretty much puts up with me even when I am a bit ham-fisted. If it's just a matter of style you can usually 'ignore' the person and their foibles and when you can’t you may just need to put up with it.
2) When contacting the person regarding their offense, do so calmly. If you are ticked off do not blast away as usually doing so does two things: 1) makes the person defensive -- which means their ears close up and their fist get raised in self-defense, (metaphorically speaking, one hopes). So, calm down before you send the opening complaint.
3) Edit what you write. Even the best writers make mistakes. Look at what you are saying and simply ask how you would respond if somebody wrote that to you. Did you use derogatory language? Calling somebody an idiot or implying they are being selfish is attacking them personally. What do you care if they are selfish or they are an idiot so long as you get them to stop doing whatever it is that they were doing? The goal is not to reform the character or shame them, but to get them to change their behavior. If you can’t determine how the message you are sending will be received, send it to somebody else and have them help out.
4) Listen to their response. Remember, in most cases your complaint will reach them unexpectedly. They will be surprised and that in itself will make them somewhat self-defensive. One of the reasons the the “compliment sandwich” -- where you put the complaint between two compliments like the meat in a sandwich – one of the reason it works is that it changes the dynamic of the emotional response of the receiver. And give them some slack when they respond and recognize they may not be following these guidelines like you are doing. So be quick to forgive and you will be a lot closer to your goal.
5) Say “I’m sorry” and mean it. You will make mistakes. You will say things you probably shouldn’t have said, or should have put more diplomatically. Set the right tone by acknowledging them early and, if need be, often. There is no civil discussion possible when at least one side can’t admit a mistake. What usually happens is the one who refuses to admit the mistake turns the conversation into an argument where those who know it to be a mistake make the mistake and the lack of ability to admit it, the focus of the conversation. You aren’t there to prove your righteousness, you are there to get the other person to change their behavior.
6) A battle is not always the war. You don’t have to win every point to convince the person. So if they have a good point, acknowledge it! Too many times we get to the point where we think we have to win every point or we have lost the war. Give ground where ground should be given. Eventually one of three things may happen if you both honestly acknowledge where each has a good point: 1) you will build trust between you and your ‘opponent’; 2) one of you will slowly or quickly be convinced of the others’ point of view; or 3) even if you don’t resolve the issue, you will at least understand their point of view and be less critical of them for holding it.
7) Give yourself (and them) time. Angry responses set up long term enemies. Slow and thoughtful ones often make friends out of enemies. Take a big breath before you respond to their reply.
8) Get help. There are many in your fellowship who you can trust. Ask one of them what they think. Send them your original complaint, the response, etc. Keep it private. But sometimes you need another set of eyes to find the details you are missing. In Chinese society, or at least the parts of which I’ve been exposed, they have a saying about “big eyes” and “little eyes.” The “big eyed” person sees the wider perspective while the “little eyed” person can spot the details. Both are often needed to solve problems and usually you are one or the other and thus, lacking the second set of eyes.
9) Remember you aren’t right about everything. Once you have exchanged a couple of messages with the person, even with the help of leadership, the problem may still persist. Two things about that: First, if you’ve not convinced the person to change in a couple messages it’s unlikely you will do so…though you may sense progress and it may be worth continuing if you do. If you think the situation calls for it, start a “formal” complaint with your leadership. Your “helper” may, in fact, be the one to do this. Whatever you do, be specific as to the behavior, do not attack the person’s motivations, attitude, or personal hygiene as that’s not the issue. Lay it out calmly and then wait. Leadership is not perfect and they may get it wrong, but the chances of them getting it wrong are usually less than the chances of you being wrong. So, if they disagree with you, accept it and carry on. Usually leadership has more experience and even if you can’t see their reasoning, the fact that they did put some effort into resolving the situation means that they are more likely right than wrong.
10) Get out of Dodge. Ultimately, if the behavior of which you are complaining is a detriment to the fellowship, it will likely become more so than less so over time. Some poisons are fast, some slow, but poison is poison. You gave it your best shot, you got involved and you failed to convince the “offender” or leadership of your position, or that your position was worth forcing a change. The rational thing to do in a fellowship which is poisoned, is to leave. Get out of Dodge. But when you go, do not add to the conflict by angry and dramatic missives posted to everybody. After all, you aren’t mad at EVERYBODY in the fellowship, are you? (In which case you probably should have left a long time ago). So remember, some of those people you may run into later on, next week, next year or whatever. Maybe you don’t need friends, but I’ve always felt you should try not to burn friendship bridges unnecessarily. So leave relatively quietly. A nice note of thanks to all for what they HAVE done for you (rather than what they HAVEN’T), and perhaps a private message to the leader(s) explaining why you are leaving (though they probably already know), might be nice IF you can do it calmly AND without personal animosity. Remember, in the long run, you still could be wrong about the whole thing.
Well, that’s it for me. Just some practical thoughts about avoiding drama.
AJ