Jokes You Could Tell Your Grandmother

[DeletedUser5800]

A pilot announces over the speakers that the plane is going to crash and there is nothing that can be done about it.
A woman jumps up and screams, 'Which one of you men is going to make me feel like a woman one last time before we die!?'
A man jumps up, tears his shirt off! and says, 'Here, iron this.'

 

[Ashrem]

A new priest in the parish had been hearing some disconcerting things from his parishioners and determined to make an investigation into the stories. When the bishop invited him to dinner, he paid close attention during the meal, and noticed some signs of intimacy between the bishop and his housekeeper.

A few days later the housekeeper remarked to the bishop that a valuable antique solid silver soup ladle had been missing since the young priest's visit. "I doubt he had anything to do with it, but I will ask him," said the bishop. So the bishop wrote to the priest to follow up on their visit, and included in the letter: "My housekeeper has been remarking upon a missing silver ladle, and wonders if you might have seen it in an odd spot the evening you were here. I'm not saying that 'you did' take a solid silver ladle from my house, and I am not saying that 'you did not' take a solid silver ladle from my house, but the fact is that the ladle has been missing since your visit.." Duly, the bishop received the young priest's reply, which read: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you are overly close to your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you are not, but the fact is that if you were spending nights in your own bed, you would by now have found the ladle."

 

[DeletedUser3880]

This has always been one of my favorites...


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

 

[DeletedUser5800]

Good stuff, I would like them if there were a like button.
...
A 4 yr old excitedly walks up to his mother washing dishes holding a half eaten hot dog in one hand and a dead fly in the other and says, 'Look at this fly I killed Mom!'
The mother quickly takes the hot dog away and sets it back on his plate at the table, throws the fly in the trash and rushes him to the sink to wash his hands.
After he was all cleaned up and back at the table finishing his hot dog she finally got around to asking how in the world he ever killed that fly.
Grinning from ear to ear he held up the last bite of his hot dog triumphantly and proclaimed, 'I smacked it with my hot dog!'

 

[ImajicaLuthiel]

So this one farmer was talking to his wife about another farmer, and they had noticed that no matter what he planted, the crop died. They decided to be charitable and help him out.
Next week at the feed store, the married farmer took him a big box of baby chicks. "I figured you're not havin' any luck with your crops, maybe you could try raisin' these."
The other farmer thanked him profusely, taking the box of chicks.
Two weeks later the married farmer saw the poor farmer, and asked him how the chicks were doing.
"They all died."
"Died? How?"
"I dunno, I either planted 'em too deep or too far apart..."