When to Block, and when to Not

[NightshadeCS]

“In this world, you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant.”
― Elwood P. Dowd

 

[CrusaderMichael]

Wow... apparently "When To Block" could be a college course.... especially considering how many absolutely useless to real life college courses there are, this for sure should be one.

This "when to block" thing, actually touches on what we teach almost all kids... how sticks and stones can break your bones but names can never hurt you. Although blocking is a right and in some cases people just can't handle something psychologically and that's ok to block etc, this whole notion of "i gave him X amount of chances and he failed, so that's it he's condemned in to the ban pit".

All I'll say is if this is your attitude, and I have to stress it is NOT mine with people, then I hope at least one day you find it in your heart to forgive the trespasses against you, and give them, yet another chance to be in your precious little chat box.

People can change, but you'll never know if you toss them from your sight, and you'll also not have had a thing to do with their changing if you just block etc.

A lot of lessons in life you think OTHERS are supposed to learn, are actually meant for you (us).

How you judge others... right back at yuh buddy.

It's not how many times you tolerate and forgive that matters, but whether you can keep tolerating and forgiving.... though yes, violence, smut, things you psychologically just can't handle etc, don't need to be tolerated and in fact shouldn't be tolerated.

"we gave him years, now we're banning him"... it'll all come back to you.

End of class.

 

[jesikrey]

I was gonna stay out of this, but this bit REALLY hit me.

Please don't judge. You're making some pretty bold assumptions with your posts, and you have no idea what people are doing or need in order to maintain their mental health.

For a lot of people going through tough times, this game is an escape. It's a place we come for positivity. That doesn't mean we're burying our heads in the sand, or demanding that the world only show us the nice things. For a lot of us, this positivity IS the balance to other difficulties. There's enough hard stuff happening in the world without making this difficult, too. If someone finds a person in an online game forum stressful, they should by all means block them - we often can't escape the other sources of stress in our lives, so it's ok to control it where we can.

Games should be fun. I, for one, didn't come here for personal growth and have plenty of opportunity for that elsewhere.

Agree 100%

 

[SoggyShorts]

People can change, but you'll never know if you toss them from your sight

Sure, and blocking someone isn't permanent. As I said, occasionally curiosity or even FOMO gets the better of me and I'll click that "show ignored content" button.
So far, no Bueno.

and you'll also not have had a thing to do with their changing if you just block etc.

I've tried to help them with their social skills both in lengthy private conversations and on public posts, but it's not like I'm a qualified expert so...
No luck.
Also, is it even my place to try and change someone? I don't actually think that's more appropriate than blocking them. All we can do is tell them what they are doing to make the interaction a negative one for us and it's up to them if they want to change. Forcing our change upon them is no different than them trying to force us to listen to them by removing our choice to block.

This "when to block" thing, actually touches on what we teach almost all kids... how sticks and stones can break your bones but names can never hurt you. Although blocking is a right and in some cases people just can't handle something psychologically and that's ok to block etc, this whole notion of "i gave him X amount of chances and he failed, so that's it he's condemned in to the ban pit".

First of all, the whole sticks and stones lesson is super outdated and comes from a time where the #1 medical prescription given for mental health was a doctor's note that said "suck it up, princess"
Secondly, words matter, and they most certainly can hurt. "Freedom of speech" does not mean "freedom of consequences from speech."

As for your AJ-style thinly veiled insult that people "just can't handle something psychologically" you're missing the point entirely:
People can "handle" being put down and insulted, but who in their right mind would choose to expose themselves to that repeatedly?

Keep in mind, an interaction doesn't need to be mentally damaging to effect mental health. Mental health effects are pretty easy to judge in hindsight, just ask this simple question:
"Was I better off before or after reading that?

If there was a culture of blocking people on these forums I would understand your defense more, but as far as I know, AJ is totally unique and not a single other poster on these forums has such an.. unfollowing.
Perhaps he is particularly bad at judging what effect his posts will have. Either he genuinely believes that people will be better off after reading his posts and he's just wrong a lot, or he doesn't actually care at all what negative effect his words will have.
In the end it's not really relevant if the result is that people are better off not reading them.

 

[Aritra]

Sure, and blocking someone isn't permanent. As I said, occasionally curiosity or even FOMO gets the better of me and I'll click that "show ignored content" button.
So far, no Bueno.

I've tried to help them with their social skills both in lengthy private conversations and on public posts, but it's not like I'm a qualified expert so...
No luck.
Also, is it even my place to try and change someone? I don't actually think that's more appropriate than blocking them. All we can do is tell them what they are doing to make the interaction a negative one for us and it's up to them if they want to change. Forcing our change upon them is no different than them trying to force us to listen to them by removing our choice to block.

First of all, the whole sticks and stones lesson is super outdated and comes from a time where the #1 medical prescription given for mental health was a doctor's note that said "suck it up, princess"
Secondly, words matter, and they most certainly can hurt. "Freedom of speech" does not mean "freedom of consequences from speech."

As for your AJ-style thinly veiled insult that people "just can't handle something psychologically" you're missing the point entirely:
People can "handle" being put down and insulted, but who in their right mind would choose to expose themselves to that repeatedly?

Keep in mind, an interaction doesn't need to be mentally damaging to effect mental health. Mental health effects are pretty easy to judge in hindsight, just ask this simple question:
"Was I better off before or after reading that?

If there was a culture of blocking people on these forums I would understand your defense more, but as far as I know, AJ is totally unique and not a single other poster on these forums has such an.. unfollowing.
Perhaps he is particularly bad at judging what effect his posts will have. Either he genuinely believes that people will be better off after reading his posts and he's just wrong a lot, or he doesn't actually care at all what negative effect his words will have.
In the end it's not really relevant if the result is that people are better off not reading them.

*double thumbs up*
esp mental health aspect. very important

 

[ajqtrz]

I was gonna stay out of this, but this bit REALLY hit me.

Please don't judge. You're making some pretty bold assumptions with your posts, and you have no idea what people are doing or need in order to maintain their mental health.

For a lot of people going through tough times, this game is an escape. It's a place we come for positivity. That doesn't mean we're burying our heads in the sand, or demanding that the world only show us the nice things. For a lot of us, this positivity IS the balance to other difficulties. There's enough hard stuff happening in the world without making this difficult, too. If someone finds a person in an online game forum stressful, they should by all means block them - we often can't escape the other sources of stress in our lives, so it's ok to control it where we can.

Games should be fun. I, for one, didn't come here for personal growth and have plenty of opportunity for that elsewhere.

I'm making "pretty bold assumptions" out of a lot of study and experience. If you disagree with my assessment of what constitutes mental health, that's not a problem. Do explain your own understanding and how mine is wrong. But isn't it a bit presumptuous to claim that I "have no idea what people are doing or need on order to maintain their mental health?" Studying communication for as long as I have means I've also read and studied a lot about human psychology. My definition of mental health is pretty middle of the road and I'd venture to bet reasonably accurate. But still, I could be wrong.

Playing the game is playing the game and participating in the forum is participating in the forum. Coming here for "positivity" is nice but since it's a human experience do you really want to say that every human interaction you have should be "positive?" Is that a realistic expectation? If it's not, is it healthy to expect it to be so?

People seem to think stress is a bad thing. They seem to want to "escape" anything difficult or challenging unless it's difficult or challenging in a way they choose to take on....like a game. But human relations are not a game and isolating yourself from others is not a sign of a strong and confident person, especially if the one from whom you are isolating yourself has done you no harm.

"There's enough hard stuff happening in the world without making this difficult, too. If someone finds a person in an online game forum stressful, they should by all means block them" is exactly the wrong reaction. It's like the first time you played a sport of some kind, say golf. You didn't hit a hole in one right off the first tee. In fact, you probably sent the ball in a big fat curve into the woods. Embarrassing, but you didn't expect yourself to hit the hole in one on the first tee. So while it may have been embarrassing, it wasn't too stressful. If you had played consistently for a year though, and not improved, you would be much more stressed. One expects oneself to improve over time. The problem is, I think, in a forums where disagreements are inevitable, smart people often think they are automatically pros at discussion and debate. But you aren't born able to "conquer" your opponents in a single sentence. You have to learn the fine art of sticking to the subject at hand, finding the necessary evidence and reasoning to be at least persuasive to some and so on. And keeping your emotional (stressful) reactions in check. It's not a natural thing, it's a learned behavior, but one which, if mastered, can be quite rewarding and enjoyable.

When you golf and don't get better, that's stressful. If you golf and improve, that's enjoyable. I'm just asking people to improve for their own well being and enjoyment. And since I have to interact with them, and like to do so for the most part, it's probably okay for me to ask.

I've tried to help them with their social skills both in lengthy private conversations and on public posts, but it's not like I'm a qualified expert so...

Also, is it even my place to try and change someone? I don't actually think that's more appropriate than blocking them. All we can do is tell them what they are doing to make the interaction a negative one for us and it's up to them if they want to change. Forcing our change upon them is no different than them trying to force us to listen to them by removing our choice to block.

As for your AJ-style thinly veiled insult that people "just can't handle something psychologically" you're missing the point entirely:
People can "handle" being put down and insulted, but who in their right mind would choose to expose themselves to that repeatedly?

Keep in mind, an interaction doesn't need to be mentally damaging to effect mental health. Mental health effects are pretty easy to judge in hindsight, just ask this simple question:

"Was I better off before or after reading that?

If there was a culture of blocking people on these forums I would understand your defense more, but as far as I know, AJ is totally unique and not a single other poster on these forums has such an.. unfollowing.

Perhaps he is particularly bad at judging what effect his posts will have. Either he genuinely believes that people will be better off after reading his posts and he's just wrong a lot, or he doesn't actually care at all what negative effect his words will have.

In the end it's not really relevant if the result is that people are better off not reading them.

When you engage in "helping others with their social skills" are you not trying to change them? You may be motivated out of a concern for them, but you would like to see them change, right?

As for the "AJ-style thinly veiled insult," I'm wondering where that is, exactly. Again, a claim and no example given. Could you provide one? On the other hand, if a person is looking for an insult perhaps even just disagreeing with them will suffice. After all, if I say you are wrong about X, doesn't it mean you have failed in the "correct" reasoning? If so, can my claiming you are wrong about X be interpreted as at "thinly veiled insult?" If so, then all disagreements are "thinly veiled insults." Sigh #1.

That some people can handle being put down and insulted, is obvious -- it seems to happen to me all the time and usually not "thinly veiled" at all. But what if they are just receiving things incorrectly? What if the disagreement is with their position and they take it as a disagreement with their person? Is the speaker responsible for confusion if he or she was clear about the subject of the comment? The inability to separate the subject at hand from the person speaking is part of the problem, I think.

"Perhaps [I am] particularly bad at judging what effect [my] posts will have," or perhaps I know pretty much the impact they will have and hope that over a long time the impact will be positive because it will cause people to re-consider their approach to discussion/debate on line. One of the reasons we cannot speak of politics or religion in this forum is because those subjects cannot easily be discussed without personal attacks becoming all to prevalent. One wonders how anybody expects any really serious matters to be discussed in any forum when far less weighty matters discussed here lead to such disdain and animosity. It's interesting that so many people say, "it's just a game," then dish out all manner of personal attacks over something that they say is "just a game." Sigh #2

And as for being "better off" how is that measured? If you mean they feel more positive about themselves and all "hunky-dory" well, I'm sorry but that's sort a shallow measure, in my opinion. Mental health is not about your experience, but about how you deal with the experiences in life. Just as golf isn't about the shot you just took but what you learn from it to improve your game.

So in the end, I think, you don't have a clear definition of mental health'; you assume people are being "put down and insulted" but provide not evidence of it; you assume the point of a discussion is to make people feel good, when it might be more important that it help them move to a better, more healthy, ability to interact with others. And of course, you do ad some insults of your own to the mix. Sight #3

AJ

 

[Kekune]

But isn't it a bit presumptuous to claim that I "have no idea what people are doing or need on order to maintain their mental health?"

No. You don't know me. You don't know what I'm doing in my life, what my mental health looks like, or what I need to maintain it. Period. There's not a whit of presumption there.

On the other hand, your assertion that "studying communication" and reading "a lot about human psychology" qualifies you to tell total strangers what is and is not good for them is the height of presumption.

FWIW, I haven't blocked you (obviously), or anyone else. I do (shocker!) share your general view that I'd rather continue to see opinions I disagree with and even dislike. But I won't criticize someone else's threshold for what they can and cannot tolerate. Yes, people who avoid stress and create happy echo chambers in every area of their life probably are going to suffer for that down the road. But that's different from avoiding toxicity, and everybody gets to decide when a relationship (even a very distant, online forum relationship) has become toxic to them.

I will make no further comment in this thread. I've little doubt you will see that as a fault, as well.

 

[Lelanya]

Right
I am blocking now as well.

 

[shimmerfly]

How's this for precise and truthful...
I'll apologize to the rest of the forum and to the Mods If they decide to toss me off the forum so be it...But you need some serious help.

You are a very pretentious smug person and I do not like your attempt to appear 'better than all' or your references that we are in some way childish or mentally imbalanced. I do not like your references on mental health. You clearly know little about it.

When you find someone Toxic has in any way entered your life you do not hang out with them or take them home for your children to meet.
You have been the sole reason some people have left the game.

This is not a debate class. This is not a place for you to come and be abusive. There are forums on the internet you can go to and do just that.
Pleae find one.

No AJ, I do not care for you in the least and would run to the nearest door if I met you in person.

You enjoy causing strife and that is a very cruel thing to do anywhere. The scary part being, you think you're right and you think you're superior to all. You are Not.
I have never put anyone on ignore but you have taken it over the hill.

You pretend to be such an expert on everything you literally make me sick to my stomach. How's that for the effects of stress.

Just because you cover up your abuse with an attempt of being polite I see right through you. If you continue treating epole in this fashion I will block you and report you both.
The end

 

[CrusaderMichael]

How's this for precise and truthful...
I'll apologize to the rest of the forum and to the Mods If they decide to toss me off the forum so be it...But you need some serious help.

You are a very pretentious smug person and I do not like your attempt to appear 'better than all' or your references that we are in some way childish or mentally imbalanced. I do not like your references on mental health. You clearly know little about it.

When you find someone Toxic has in any way entered your life you do not hang out with them or take them home for your children to meet.
You have been the sole reason some people have left the game.

This is not a debate class. This is not a place for you to come and be abusive. There are forums on the internet you can go to and do just that.
Pleae find one.

No AJ, I do not care for you in the least and would run to the nearest door if I met you in person.

You enjoy causing strife and that is a very cruel thing to do anywhere. The scary part being, you think you're right and you think you're superior to all. You are Not.
I have never put anyone on ignore but you have taken it over the hill.

You pretend to be such an expert on everything you literally make me sick to my stomach. How's that for the effects of stress.

Just because you cover up your abuse with an attempt of being polite I see right through you. If you continue treating epole in this fashion I will block you and report you both.
The end

I find it strange how some people can write all this and not see that so often the negative traits they are describing in others, they themselves have.

And in abundance.

"you are pretentious"
"you know little about the subject i disagree with you on"
"this is not a place to come and be abusive, while i sit here and abuse you"
"i do not care for you in the least, and somehow have this overwhelming need to say it in this forum"
"you enjoy causing strife... i read your mind... now let me cause strife"
"you literally make me sick to my stomach.... how's that for my demand for a proper forum in a game?"
"you cover up your intentional abuse by being polite... i know it... I KNOW IT"
"i see right through you... right in to your soul i say"
"i will report both of you if you keep doing what i say you are doing, with my superpowers of soul seeing truth that perfectly judges your motivations"

Truly i have never seen anything in a forum this abusive to someone. I don't care what any of YOU have seen. I'm simply saying this, is number 1.

Such judge jury and executioner speak, all from someone who is doing the very things you say others are doing.

Can you not see this? You must... hence why you prefaced this hateful post with "moderators i'm sorry but..."

Instead of trying so hard to reign in others... maybe... perhaps.... you should..... try reigning in yourself ?

 

[SoggyShorts]

I find it strange how some people can write all this and not see that so often the negative traits they are describing in others, they themselves have.

No, we get it, it's just hard to avoid. When someone is unkind we often tend to inform them that they are being unkind in... an unkind way.

You are equating the two but in truth, if the instigator hadn't been unkind to start with there'd be no problem.

Also, Shim is a sweetheart, so if you've rattled her cage you can take it to the bank that you've done something wrong.

 

[StarLoad]

feel free to share

 

[CrusaderMichael]

On a lighter note.... if some idiot named their child "I Am Going To Block You"... then people could say to that kid, "Hey I'm Going To Block You"... and no one could complain about it.

p.s.... "but he started it" is a weak defense for bad judgement in a situation and a condemning character. An apology is in order. Hopefully she understands this and moves on from such hate filled condemnation of others in the future. No matter who is making excuses for their actions.

 

[SoggyShorts]

"but he started it" is a weak defense for bad judgement in a situation

I disagree. Sometimes the only way to get through to people is to use the language that they clearly understand.
Blaming the one who retaliates instead of the aggressor though? That's strange indeed.

An apology is in order.

Absolutley not unless you mean from AJ to the entire community.

Hopefully she understands this and moves on from such hate filled condemnation of others in the future.

You don't have to hate someone to want nothing to do with them, and condemning someone whose actions should be condemned is admirable.

No matter who is making excuses for their actions.

No excuses needed, she was perfectly in line with her post and accurate on all counts.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Keep blaming the victims if you like Mike, this is just one Crusade that you shouldn't be on.

 

[helya]

There is no right or wrong for blocking a person, and no one should have to justify why they chose to block a person. I'm closing this thread lest new players to the Forum think they have to meet specific criteria to block someone that is making them uncomfortable.

Remember that you all have no idea what is happening in other people's lives. Making someone feel badly about blocking the content of another player or saying they are over reacting, thin skinned, etc. is very poor form.

I do think that if you have blocked a player, there's not much reason to bring it up after you've told them once. But again, not against the rules, just not particularly friendly.